Rated R: Language (lol)
Relationships...always seems to be a hot topic. I'm sure most of you have been with your group of friends and something sparks the conversation and before you know it hours have gone by but no solutions have been reached. We always seem to be arguing about the same issues and end up looking like a dog chasing its own tail. I don't know how many have seen a dog chase its tail, but the dog looks like an idiot. I'm gonna focus on black people for this post because, this is a very big topic and I'm not gonna claim to be a relationship expert. Anywho, this is usually how this convo starts...Black woman (frustrated): "Ugh, Fuck all niggas, I hate men, there are NO good men left" usually followed by her girls agreeing in unison, "Yea good black men are extinct".....
(RIDICULOUS CLAIM!)
REALLY??!!! well damn someone should've told me that we were going extinct. Yes I consider myself to be a good (won't say great cuz we all have things to work on) black man. And I happen to live and am friends with a lot of good black men. SO what seems to be the issue???
LET ME PAUSE FOR A SECOND AND GIVE THIS DISCLAIMER...I'M WRITING THIS POST FROM MY STANDPOINT...NOT A NEUTRAL POSITION...because I want the women to argue their own side..fair enough?
Ok so...is this the case of women setting their standards too high? or Not knowing what they want? (question of the millennium by the way "what do women want")
Talking with some of my roommates, I think it's a case of right standards wrong stage (strictly speaking for women ages 18-25). What do I mean? A lot of these women have the right standards, everyone should have high standards for their partner. But the issue arises when you start mixing up different stages in life with different standards. As a college student your standards for a partner should not be that of someone that is already in a career and can support himself and you, but you are looking in the college setting. Because you're gonna get that brotha that is working hard doing the right things but unable to reach a set of high standards out of his reach (for now).
I think it's also a concept I like to call the "vicious circle" this is a result of the first theory...So great girl/woman has the right standards but wrong stage. Gets approached by hard working, but broke, guy...he doesn't meet the near impossible standards set for him..therefore he is rejected, this happens to him a few times by various women, after a while he decides I'm done trying. What's the point? His mindset turns into "I can never get that girl, she's outta my league"..and now Woman with high standards is not being approached by the "good guy" anymore, but more and more "bitch niggas" (suppose I should cite Kat Williams here for the term). She gets treated horribly by bad guy and now we're back to "I Hate men, Good men don't exist anymore"...
Moral of the story, adjust your standards and give that guy you saw studying and working 2-3 jobs (just to be broke) a chance..could pay off in the long run. And stop making ridiculous claims such as "good black men are extinct"
"would you love me if i were down and out, would u still have love for me?" ..... I would. Money doesn't matter. I'd much rather be with someone who is broke than a dude with all of his parents money. But hey... I'm just a white girl... what do I know?
ReplyDeleteObviously this post generalizes..which we shouldn't because that's where the problems start. But I felt I had to for this post :) thanks for reading
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree that your concept of the “vicious circle” does have merit, I don’t agree that the issue is women’s standards. I think the issue is that there are too many women who have lowered their standards to what they feel is more “reasonable” as a result of this false claim from our men carry about our standards being impossible or unobtainable. The issue is that although we may lower our standards, our desires for what we want have not changed and whether we accept less or not we will be unsatisfied because our desired traits are still that of which they previously were. As women, we have this notion that we can uplift and support our men in an effort for them to reach the standards that we had originally set for ourselves. So many have lowered their standards thereby giving men somewhat of a “pass” and admitting them to use the disclaimer that the rest of women have unobtainable standards. As a result many men have gotten complacent/comfortable and no longer have the desire to meet the challenge of women who have maintained their standards. So when they approach a woman with higher standards, with the mindset of thinking that they can still approach her with the same qualities that the previous women required, they leave defeated. The question I pose to our men is whether you would accept some of the things that you feel you present or have previously presented to the women that you desire? While I cannot speak for all women, I can speak for myself and some of the women that I know that as college students we aren’t oblivious to the toils that a male college student faces, and our standards are set with that in mind. Our standards are usually that of the potential that one possesses and less about the current state of where you are at (not to be confused though current state is still a factor just not as big of a factor as men make it to be). MEN: Rise to the challenge presented to you and rid yourself of the excuses WOMEN: Maintain you r standards and accept nothing less, but be sure that your standards are one’s that will sustain life’s changes and one’s that have merit. The topical/materialistic qualities (i.e. car, money, etc) are not the qualities which make a “good man”.
ReplyDeleteI think it has a lot to do with our pasts as well. For me at least, and a lot of my friends I know have been mistreated by the ones who we thought we good men, but in the end turned out to be unhealthy for us. When It comes to me personally, I appreciate a man who is hardworking in college, and I do not expect him to have loads of money to support me. I would hope that he is getting an education and has big dreams for his future. All that matters to me is if he treats me right, and is a genuine guy, and honestly these men are very hard to find. Standards of our time in general are lowered for both men and women. Some women have been treated so horribly by men that they think that is normal to be treated that way, and this is where these phrases come from. Yes, it is the guys in our pasts that mess it up for the rest of you "good" men. But women make mistakes as well, and we still have issues of our own that we need to fix. There are issues that I have with men, which makes it hard for me to open up to a possible "good" guy. It's hard for me to trust, and have faith that maybe this one is different, just because of things that have happened in the past. Some of my man friends say I'm "scary" and I push them away when they try to get to know me, and yes that does happen, just because of my past. I do believe there are "good" men out there, they are just really difficult to find, and it makes us women want to give up on finding the right one, and therefore we lower our standards, then this circle goes round again.
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